I worked hard these past few days till I had a fever.... *a loong sigh*
I sigh not that I feel ungrateful or hates the fever I get but.. I feel bad for myself. I have to ashamedly admit that I am -sort of- a weak person. I easily fall sick. Kalau buat kerja berat sikit, mula lah nak demam lah ini lah.. Why oh why dear body :(
Err back to my main point, while lying in the bed, reducing the fever and the headache, I made some thinking about that. About why am I so weak.. And how this 'curse' will sometimes limit my activities especially ones that related to dakwah and tarbiyyah.
But at the bright side, I feel grateful for every sickness I had and I felt, Allah will vanish away all my sins, purifying my heart and self. Alhamdulillah for that... And while do the thinking, it reminisce me to our last mukhayyam last semester.
Mukhayyam R4BIA which also my first mukhayyam.
At first, I couldn't worry less about my safety and health as I know myself better. I know that I am weak at this kind of activities -lasak, camping, tak cukup tidur et all- I know I will fall sick.
But Allah showed that I am wrong. There is no strength than which comes from Allah... I forgot that I have Allah whom the One who lends me the strength all this while.. During the mukhayyam, Alhamdulillah I am all healthy and enthusiastic. All praises are Allah's! Even after mukhayyam, I do not get any fever or anything!
And I am a human too. I easily forget the nikmat.. I thought I am free from the 'curse' until I went for another compulsory camp due to the course I took. The camp is a week after the mukhayyam. During the camp, Allah tests me with lotssss of sickness. Hukhuk.
Tudddiaaaa, lain kali jangan nak perasan sangat. Semua benda dari Allah semata.. If you're healthy, thats only because Allah bestows upon you His endless mercy...
And itulah the first and the last experience of tak-sakit-walaupun-kerja-kuat. At least merasa lah juga kan how my life would be like without the 'curse' :p
Lol am lembik. But I guess itu semua tidak penting. Yang penting, adalah kekuatan jiwa! Kekuatan iman! Kekuatan tekad dan azam! And the list goes on.. The strength of the inside is mooooooore and moooore important than your physical strength.
Biarlah demam pun asalkan tak terlantor and kecewa dengan demam tu. Kan?
Ah, now that I reminisce the moments of mukhayyam, I started to miss it! Never will I forget one of the statements made by someone during the post-muhasabah kudeta's activity by the sea;
"kita kadang terlalu selesa dengan kedudukan kita. Selepas kemenangan Mursi, kita semua bergembira seolah-olah kemenangan itu sudah pasti jadi milik kita. Lupakah kita bahawa kemenangan itu di tangan Allah, bukan di tangan Mursi? Lalu Allah mengambil Mursi untuk mengajar kita dan membersihkan kita dari sebarang pergantungan lain.. Dan kerja dakwah tak akan terhenti biarpun kemenangan itu seakan-akan sudah sangat hampir.."
"Antunna adalah pewaris dakwah ini. Jangan terlalu selesa dengan keadaan kita.. All out lah untuk dakwah ini"
Do the muhasabah.. All this while, benar-benar all out kah kita dalam kerja-kerja dakwah ni?
We all know the answer :'(
Last two days, I met my friend who just lost her father. (Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun.. May Allah puts her father among the believers)
In past few days too, I don't feel good. My imaan is not in a good state nor in a bad state. I just felt... Empty. I feel far from Him yet feel so close to Him in a way that is too complicated to explain.
I tried to fill the emptiness with everything but all(that I usually do) just seems not to work anymore.. So I decided to try other way by *kononnya* take some rest and keluar dari rumah (because I guess I'm just too tired being at home for this 3 months long).
So yah, that day, is the first day I went out for a window shopping, coffee talk yada yada sepanjang cuti sem ni fuh! *kesat peluh* EH tapi sebelum ni ada je keluar cuma tu keluar raya pi open house etc.
Errr ok SOOOO back to the topic, I think I made a wise decision sebab...... That day is reaaaaaaaaally such a tarbiyyah day for me tsssk. Rasanya macam dah lamaaa sangat tak dapat wake up call macam tu dari Allah wuuu.. I don't know how to put the feelings into words but listening to the stories of my friend-- how she lost her father in a sudden way, how she reaaaally wants to change for good but do not have enough strength and how she has too many things to adapt with her new life--- just make me feel like.... Ya Allah how ungrateful I am T______T
I tried to put myself into her shoes, but I guess, I am not strong enough to bear with what shes currently facing now... Indeed ya Allah, la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha... No soul is given more than what it can handle masha Allah ya Rabbb T_______T
To my dear friend there, stay strong.. Allah is with u. He knows u can handle this and believe me, for every pain, for every heartbreak u are feeling, Allah prepares for you endless rewards there. Dunya is not our place, we can't find the happiness, perfection and eternal that we are longing for because this is dunya. Our heart are actually longing for Jannah, for the hereafter where we will find eternal happiness and perfection. Lets struggle for Jannah in order to see your father whos *inshaa Allah* already rest peacefully there..
I can't stop thinking about the actual feeling of losing parent but I guess I just can't even imagine ya Allah, may You make her stronger, day by day.. Inshaa Allah. Aameen aameen aameen.
I am just sooo ungrateful astaghfirullah T____T may Allah forgive me!
A veryyyyyy breath-taking view! Masha Allah! Rabbi, dunya has already beyond beautiful. I wonder, what would Your jannah be like?
I need a getaway. I need to go somewhere, refreshing myself, fixing the heart and the imaan. Mommm, lets go somewhere and take a deep look at Allah's great creatures and have some moment to be grateful.. Tadabbur alam is always the best remedy for your imaan(that is in the low state)! Oh I need a vacation so badddd!
Sorry blog! Been neglecting you for monthsssss. No worry, now I'm back ;) be happy ok!
Lol. Drama sangat dengan blog sendiri. So my 4 months(almost, plus minus) holiday will come to an end. I am excited(because I will be a final year student, iyeyy!) but I feel sad at the same time.. Home will be sooo quiet again. No sounds of my big brother teasing me, no annoying face of my lil brother, no pillow talk with my sister anymore... And I will feel lonely again.I know busy-ness will keep me fine but yeah. Ok stop I dont want to think about that for now. Lets cherish the present and stop worrying bout future!
Actually I have no idea what to write. But I just feel like updating the blog. Hence, the babbling :p